


You Have Me (Always)

by writetheniteaway



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Actually in character Bellamy Blake, Actually in character Clarke Griffin, BELLAMY IS NOT DEAD IN THIS FIC, Becho Breakup, Bellarke Endgame, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Fix-it fic, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Nightmares, Psychological Torture, Season 7 AU, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Torture, mental trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:00:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26393032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writetheniteaway/pseuds/writetheniteaway
Summary: Deviates from 7X11 onward. This was supposed to be a canon speculative Bellarke Big Bang, but with the time shifts of the event and the debacle that is canon altogether, this is now officially a Bellarke fix-it fic for the second half of season 7.Clarke intends to sacrifice herself to give her friends time to escape Bardo. Unbeknownst to all of them, Bellamy is alive. When Clarke gets caught in the lie, things go very, very wrong and it takes Bellamy and the rest of the gang to get her safely out of Bardo. But will she survive what Bardo did to her along the way?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, bellamy blake/echo at the start, bellarke endgame - Relationship, minor levitt/octavia
Comments: 18
Kudos: 133
Collections: Bellarke Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it helps. Thank you to my dear betas.

_ Bellamy is dead. These people want the flame. Echo, Octavia, and Diyoza? Bellamy is dead. They thought it was still meshed with her mind. Is Octavia alive? They were from Earth. Bellamy’s dead. Is Echo okay? Their leader built the bunker. Bellamy. The bunker that saved people. Is she ok? Of course not, but there’s not time for that now. He’s dead. The bunker that killed so many more. Dead. How did they get here from Earth? Raven and Miller will take it worse than Jordan and Niylah. How does she protect Madi? Bellamy is dead. Bellamy’s dead. Bellamy. Bellamy saved her. Bellamy’s dead. How can she protect all of them? Is there a way off of this planet that isn’t through the anomaly? Her head hurts. Bellamy’s dead. Diyoza was pregnant…and now her daughter is their age? Bellamy. She needed time to think. Bellamy’s dead. She needed them to explain. They need a plan. She needed him to poke holes in whatever she came up with. He’s dead. They haven’t talked. That can’t be fixed now, because Bellamy’s dead and she can’t think about that right now. Cadogen is a cult leader. Why does he want the flame? Bellamy is dead. He’s dead. They killed him. They killed Bellamy. She could cry. Would cry. As soon as she was alone. And now they want her help. They’re coming soon. Bellamy is dead. He’s dead. Bellamy. _

They’re in Cadogen’s private quarters. Clarke feels caged in the pristine white walls, the luxurious comforts he indulges in. It makes her skin crawl that a leader with such an emphasis on the collective would be so focused on his individual pleasures. They were bone tired though, and letting them clean up and rest would help them think more clearly, so Clarke had agreed to linger here. Bellamy is dead. She needs to get them all home. They don’t have a home. Back to Sanctum at least, back to their people. Bellamy’s dead.

“This is not up for discussion,” Clarke snaps. “As soon as they figure out that I don't have what they're looking for we are all dead.” She ducks into the next room and knocks hard on the door. “Everyone up,”

“You are not sacrificing yourself for us,” Echo insists.

“I don’t see a way out of this for all of us, and we’re out of time.”

“Then we all bust our way out of here together,” Octavia insists.

“We don’t have enough guns. We won't have the time to get through the stones. You all need to get home and you all need to keep everyone safe.”

“Drop the martyr act Clarke,” Raven says from the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes. “We are not leaving you here to die.”

“My number was already up plenty of times,” Clarke says. “This way’s on my terms. So just go tell Madi I love her,” Clarke swallows hard. And that I hope she understands.”

“Tell her yourself,” Miller says, antsy to get moving. “When we're all back there.” Clarke ignores him, and instead looks at Jordan.

“I never got around to telling you, but you're so much like your dad. He might have been the smartest person I knew. He was our conscience. Thank you for being that for us.”

“Clarke, my dad wouldn't want you to just kill yourself.”

“But he would run the numbers. And he'd see it was the only way,” she insisted. “Get back to Sanctum, build peace. make it worth it. As soon as they take me, you have to get out of here. Once they start running around in my head they're going to realize that I don't know anything. I don't know if they'll come after you all, but I’m sure they’ll come looking for it. Find Gaia. She knows where it's buried. Give them the dead chip if it'll keep them at bay. Do everything you can to keep them away from Madi.”

“We won't let her get hurt,” Echo promises and it takes Clarke by surprise. The group looks at her with disdain for breaking rank and agreeing with this ludicrous plan.

“We should all at least have the right to die when we want.” Echo says gravely. Clarke nods solemnly. “As soon as they have me, you go.” Octavia gives Clarke a strong hug. And Raven as well. Miller swallows solemnly trying to keep his emotions in check.

“Get yourselves composed before I call the guard,” Clarke snaps, making her way to the door. Echo fixes the group with an emphatic stare, which Raven answers with a nod.

“I’m ready,” She tells the guard. Cadogen enters. “Good evening,” He says warmly. “I trust you have all been comfortable here.”

“Here's how it's going to work,” Clarke says, dismissing his pleasantries. “I'm going to come with you, and you're going to send all of them back to Sanctum, and I-“ Only Octavia noticed her stutter. “Will follow them when we are done. I will follow them when we are done and then you can start your war. Those are our terms.”

“That all seems perfectly reasonable,” Cadogen says. “Are you all prepared to leave?” Octavia nods. “Very well. You may make your way to the stone room.”

“My Shepherd,” Gabriel says, and the tension in the room rekindles. Gabriel shoots a glance at Echo, behind Clarke’s line of sight. “If you would permit it, I would like to assist with the procedure. I thought perhaps Clarke might want a friendly face in the room, as it can be a nerve wracking process if you aren’t familiar with it.”

“Of course. You are free to accompany her back to Sanctum as soon as we're finished as well should you choose.” Clarke’s furious at this, at his waste, but to say anything now would damn them all, so she bites her tongue and lets it slide. Gabriel may be their friend, but he is far from family. Acceptable losses, as Octavia once said. Clarke follows Cadogen and Gabriel down the hall, steeling herself not to look back.


	2. Chapter 2

“We can't just let this happen,” Jordan says despondently.

“We aren’t,” Raven says. Octavia grips Hope’s shoulder tight. “Get ready.”

“Grab the kitchen knives,” Echo says coolly. “There aren’t enough guns to go around and this might take time. Miller, Niylah, you’re with me.”

“We’ll hold the stone room,” Octavia says.

“Wait as long as you can, but if you start losing it-“

“All of us get out, or none of us do.” Raven cuts him off.

Miller tries to reply but he’s interrupted by a knock on the door, they all freeze. 

“Octavia!”

“Damn it,” Octavia sighs.

“Please let me in,”

“Levitt,” She says, unable to mask the soft tone in her voice. “I'm sorry,” She says, “You need to go.”

“No, wait, I need to talk to you.” He insists.

“We need to move.” Hope urges.

“Bellamy's not dead,” Levitt says quickly, knowing it's the only thing that will keep their attention. Octavia snaps the door open and drags him in, Niylah shutting it quickly behind them.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Octavia says quickly.

“He was on a planet called Etherea. They sent a retrieval team to collect him in case Clarke-” He freezes as if he’s says too much, remembering suddenly that he’d just recently survived torture at their people’s hand, and he’s extremely outnumbered right now.

“Where is he now?” Echo says harshly. Levitt stutters under their collective rage.

“Please,” Octavia says, dropping her mask and letting her vulnerability through. “You know what he means to me,”

Levitt sighs, knowing he may well come to regret this decision. “I can bring you to him, they brought him back a few hours ago.”

“Auntie O,” Hope says softly. “Are you sure we can trust him?”

“Why would I lie?” Levitt asks.

“If he’s here as leverage, then that means they already suspect somethings wrong.” Raven says. 

“All of us, or none of us,” Octavia replies, echoing what Raven had said moments earlier. And like that the decision is made. “Show us.”

“Act like you belong here for as long as possible,” Echo orders. “Look for anything we can use as weapons, but don’t take unnecessary risks.”

“We should split up again,” Hope says. “We need two extraction teams now.”

“No. Stay together. They don’t know we know about Bellamy.”

“But they’re going to know Clarke is lying any second,”

“The second they know our chance at getting into the stone room is gone. We’ve got to get there first.”

“Miller and Niylah, you take the stone room. Raven, Jordan, Hope, go after Clarke. Gabriel will get you through the door, and no one in there is a fighter. Echo and I will find Bellamy.”

“Straight down this hall is M-Cap, you can’t miss it.” Levitt says.

“They’ll let us walk through?” Miller asks.

“They’re expecting us in the stone room. Tell them the rest of us wanted to stick with the cult, then catch them by surprise.” Echo says quickly, hedging towards the direction Levitt was leading them in already.

“We’ll clear the way,” Niylah says.

“Bring them home,” Miller orders severely.

*

Clarke’s tries to keep her breathing even, despite the fact that she’s being strapped down into a machine designed to literally steal her memories. It’s the type of horror that feels too much like Mt. Weather. Too much like ALIE, and Josephine. Too much of every horrible thing that's ever happened. She's had plenty of people rooting through her mind, and she’s so horrifically, blessedly close to being done with it all. She just has to stay focused on keeping them distracted as long as possible. She knows she'll break eventually. When it hurts enough. But at the end of it is her reward. At the end of it, she’ll see Bellamy. 

At least, that’s the promise she’s made to herself, and perhaps for just this once the universe will indulge her wants and let her be right about this. All she has to do is endure long enough that they leave the planet. If she can swing it, confuse them enough that the flame was left behind on earth. It’s just one more round of unbearable pain. And when she is tired, and can no longer fight, there will be no one here to bring her back this time. And some part of herself is ashamed to admit it, but she’s glad of that. Bellamy is dead. She will fight until the bitter end, as long as she can to protect her people. Her family. And when her fight is over, she can see Bellamy. May they meet again.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” The technician tells Clarke. “It’s perfectly safe, and painless so long as you cooperate fully.”

Clarke nods, waiting as long as possible to let on that she has no intention of doing any such thing.

*

Bellamy paces. It’s a cell, make no mistake. But they let him shower. Gave him clothes, and food. There was a bed on the floor and a decent blanket as well. Still though, it’s a cell, and he’s never been a fan.

He tenses when he hears the door open, expecting a brute squad or an interrogation, instead Octavia is crashing into his arms.

“O?” He chokes out. “What are you doing?”

“Rescue mission,” She says wryly. “We need to get out of here.”

“Is everyone ok?”

“For now,” Echo says, resisting the impulse Octavia had to launch herself into his arms. Her face reads of hesitation, as if she isn’t quite sure he would still be glad to see her.

“You ok?” He reaches for her face, running his hand along her freshly healed scars.

“Now I am,” She says, quirking a small smile.

“We need to move if you don’t want to get stuck here,” Levitt calls from the door. Echo flips Bellamy a kitchen knife out of her belt. “Best we could find on short notice,”

“Let’s move before you have to use it, hm?” Octavia says, quirking her head towards the door.

*

“Miller open up,” Octavia calls through the stone room door.

He checks back with Niylah, making sure she’s finished securing the two conductors and is in a ready position for when he opens the door. Echo, Octavia, and Bellamy rush through.

“They’re not here yet?” Octavia asks, panic starting to creep into her voice.

“There hasn’t been an alarm yet,” Levitt says from the open door. “You still have time.”

As if on cue, a loud wailing fills the hall. Miller rolls his eyes and fixes Levitt with a glare.

“We just need to hold the room until they get here,” Echo says. “They’ll make it.”

“Auntie O!” They hear Hope calling from down the hall; an unconscious Raven is slung over her and Jordan’s shoulder.”

Echo and Bellamy rush down the hall to meet them, Bellamy relieving Hope and Echo covering their position.

“What happened?” Bellamy demands as they make their way back through the door.

“They saw us outside the M-Cap room; we tried to lie our way through but they attacked Raven with some kind of shockwave.”

“Where’s Clarke?” Miller asks grimly.

“We couldn’t get to her,” Hope says dejectedly. “Once they stunned Raven they set off the alarm, we had to run.”

“Why didn’t they follow us?” Jordan asks.

“Because they think they have what they need.” Octavia says.

“So what happens when they figure out that Clarke is lying?” Niylah asks.

“We can’t still be here,” Echo says darkly. “They will execute all of us for going along with the story.”

“We can’t just leave her,” Bellamy says harshly.

“If we give up this vantage point we have no way to get back to Sanctum,” Echo continues.

“Then we split up again,” Miller says diplomatically. “Half of us hold the room, half of us get Clarke.”

“You’ll never be able to pass in the halls, all of them have been studying us since we got here.” Octavia says.

“Then I’ll go alone,” Bellamy insists. “I’ve been here less than a day, no one knows I’m out of my cell yet. I can get her back.”

“You can’t fight them all off,” Echo argues.

“I won’t fight unless there’s no other choice.” He says. “But I’m not-“

“Not leaving her again,” Echo says, perhaps more harshly than she meant it to come out. “I know.” Bellamy looks at her with something dangerously close to disdain.

“Gabriel is with her. If you get past the ones posted at the door, he can get you in.” Echo tells him, a peace offering.

“Go,” Octavia says. “We’re running out of time.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Depictions of hallucinations, torture and violence

“It’s natural to be nervous,” Cadogen says, carefully hiding his impatience. “It can be unnerving, being so open, especially to strangers. Here, the collective holds our focus, and by extension our memories. There is very little we don’t know about each other.”

“Seems cozy,” Clarke says scornfully.

“You’re being very unkind for someone who did agree to help us,” Cadogen says observantly.

“Let’s begin again,” The technician says. “Just hold still, and relax. It will be painless if you cooperate, I promise.” Clarke steels herself against the coming pressure; visualizing her cell on the Ark. A safe, solid nightmare of a memory she could conjure easily, long before she knew anything about ALIE or the flame.

“Why are you resisting?” Cadogen asks harshly. “We had an agreement.”

“I’ve had enough strangers in my head to last one lifetime,” Clarke says bitterly. “Maybe you can strap Gabriel down and let him tell you all about it.” Gabriel bristles at the implication, but flashes his eyes towards the door again. Where were they?

An alarm sounds, and a disciple rushes in to whisper in Cadogen’s ear. He nods calmly to them and walks over to Clarke.

“Your friends haven’t left for Sanctum,” He tells her. “They tried to rescue you instead. But what I would like to know, Clarke, is if you agreed to help me, then why are you in need of rescue?”

“Where are they?” She asks. Damn it. Damn them all for not leaving her behind.

“Where is the key?” Cadogen asks menacingly. “I suggest you start cooperating if you’d like me to forget these latest transgressions.”

Clarke shakes her head. “Let them leave or I’ll tell you nothing.”

“Tell me what I want to know, or every one of them will die. One by one, and I will not grant them the blessing of a long life on Penance Clarke. No they will die slowly, painfully, wishing every moment that they had abandoned you when they had the chance.”

“No!” Clarke screams, struggling against the bonds.

Cadogen turns away from her and stares down Gabriel. “Did you have anything to do with this Mr. Santiago?”

“No, my Shepherd. I want to know the secret of the anomaly and the last war as much as you. I did not know that she would betray you this way.” Clarke had thought better of Gabriel until that moment, and let go of any guilt she had at his being in danger.

“I believe you.” Cadogen says kindly. “And now I will ask you to supervise her while I deal with her friends.”

Gabriel swallows hard. “Yes, my Shepherd.”

“Good,” He turns to the technician. “Give her two doses and try again. If she still resists, a third.”

“That’s twice the normal agent-“ The technician asks.

“I don’t need her to survive, I only need her to show me where it is.” The technician nods obediently, preparing a syringe filled with a sickly green liquid.

“As soon as you have the code, come to me.” Cadogen says. “Do not disturb me until it is done.”

Gabriel nods obediently, waiting until Cadogen has left the room to glance nervously at Clarke.

“What is that you’re giving her?” He asks, tone clinical. Professional curiosity, not concern.

“It will make it harder for her to protect herself, but we won’t have a clear picture. We’ll just get everything that passes through her head, distorted, and have to try and sort it later. It will be harder with the extra doses, but it’s the only way to ensure she complies without hemorrhaging.”

“I understand,” Gabriel nods. “But what is it, exactly?”

“It’s a compound drug. Essentially; stimulant, narcotic, anesthetic.”

“Some of those contradict,”

“It isn’t designed to be pleasant.” The technician says shortly. “It’s designed to produce psychosis and make it easier to read her memories.”

“Clarke,” Gabriel says cautiously, as if he were approaching a feral animal. “I know you aren’t going to listen to me, but this stuff sounds dangerous and I really hate to be the one to remind you but your mind was basically split in half only a few days ago-”

“Thanks to your psycho girlfriend,” She hisses at him.

“Ex,” He says, otherwise letting it slide. “I don’t want to see what this can do to you.”

“What do you care?” She asks harshly.

“You are a good person who is in a tough spot, and I don’t want to see you in pain.”

“You think I’m scared of pain?” She scoffs. “There’s nothing left to take from me.”

“No, wait!” Gabriel tries to stop her but the technician has jabbed the drug into Clarke’s arm.

Clarke winces at the injection, steeling herself against whatever comes next. Without hesitating, the technician prepares a second dose.

“Give her a chance to change her mind,” Gabriel pleads.

“And risk the Shepherd’s wrath? We need the key.”

Clarke bites her lip hard as the next dose goes in. The room begins to blur. She fights to keep her focus on the walls of her cell, but the pictures are starting to move and shift in ways she’s never seen before.

“Where is this place?” The technician asks.

“Nowhere,” Clarke answers, and it costs her. She begins to shiver, but her skin feels hot. Almost like when she was becoming a night blood. That train of thought costs her more, painful memories of Becca’s lab, her mother’s rage, the searing pain of the injection not unlike the one she had just received. The technician digs in, focusing in on the computer screen behind her. Clarke hadn’t been near them, not reading them, so it hurt more when they were dragged forward into focus.

“Just…just show them Clarke. Then it will stop. Then you can rest.” Gabriel is at a loss for how to help her, unsure of what’s gone wrong that no one has come for her.

“Tell me where the key is Clarke and I promise I won’t take anything else,” The technician tries for kindness. “Is it before or after the night blood? Who are these people? Where are you? Is it Earth?”

The rapid questioning infuriates Clarke. All she can bring herself to do is thrash and scream, trying to get out of the bonds before she loses her resolve.

“It’s my mother,” She weeps. Her mother doesn’t have the flame. She can burn through these feelings. A string of memories, some of Clarke as a small child on her mother’s lap, as a teenager following her in medical on the ark, watching her dad get floated, her mother’s arms holding her back while her heart broke.

Clarke’s screams turned to sobs, broken hopeless sounds echoing off of the walls.

“None of this is about the key,” The technician hisses. Her impatience takes over and she starts to prepare a third dose. Clarke thinks she might hear Gabriel pleading for her, but his voice sounds distorted like he’s speaking underwater.

“I have my orders,” The technician says, void of all emotion. Back in control of herself. “If I break her, I break down her defenses and all I need to do is look through her mind like it’s a file cabinet.”

“No!” Clarke screams and tries to pull against the bonds, the first sign of awareness of what’s coming. “Please, please don’t.”

“Tell me where the key is,” The technician demands. “Show it to me right now, or I’ll make it worse.”

Gabriel sees the moment Clarke transcends to acceptance; no longer hiding her suffering but embracing it fully. She screams like a feral animal, a blatant refusal.

“Clarke please-“ Gabriel tries to reach her but the injection is already complete.

“Now what?” He asks.

“Now we wait,” The technician tells him. “It shouldn’t take long for her to start really feeling that last one.”

Gabriel pinches the bridge of his nose, unsure what his next move ought to be. That is, until he sees a flash of movement out of the corner of his eye.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Hallucinations and depictions of torture

Becoming a nightblood had felt like her blood had magnetized, tightening and hardening like thousands of small needles.

Waiting to die in Primfaya had felt like she was placed on a pyre, flesh burning from the outside in, searing off until she was nothing but a skeleton.

Being tortured by McCreary had felt like someone tied a shock baton around her neck, and essentially they had. Electrifying, energy draining pain that made it impossible to think.

Whatever they had just put in her, felt like all three at once, magnified, sped up. Like she was being dropped off a cliff and drowned in a lake all at once.  _ Her mother smoothed her hair back. Jasper slit her throat. Monty kissed her cheek. Maya poured acid on her face. Lexa lit the match that let her burn. _

*

“What’s taking him so long?” Raven paces frantically.

“He’ll get her back,” Miller says fiercely. “We just need to hold them off a little longer.”

“I’m not sure how much longer that’s going to be an option,” Hope says, shifting her stance as she hears people gathering on the other end of the door.

“If there’s an army between us and them they’ll never make it,” Echo says.

“So what do we do?” Niylah asks.

“They have five minutes,” Octavia says despondently. “Then we open the door. After that, we just have to fight long enough to keep it open.”

“All of us or none of us,” Jordan says, but for the first time it starts to feel as if none is the only real option left.

*

“Clarke!” She was dying then. Well it was about time.

“Clarke,” Bellamy’s voice is closer this time. “Look at me, hey-“Opening her eyes led to searing pain, the white walls ricocheting light back to her, her face contorting in fresh anguish. Dying should not hurt this much.

“Stay awake!” Bellamy tells her harshly. But they were dead, why even in death can she not rest?

She feels the pressure of the bonds lifted off of her wrists, hissing as the raw skin makes contact with the air. Her fight was over, how could there still be so much pain?

“You’re ok,” Bellamy’s voice again, firm and steady, close to her ear. “It’s ok,”

His hands are warm against her shivering frame, his stance steady against her trembling. “I’ve got you,” He promises, and it would be so simple were any of it real.

“No-“ She pulls away from his grasp in a sudden panicked motion, the force of which lands her hard on the floor. “No!” She screams again, pushing him away. This was too cruel. To use him to invade her mind. She would give them no such satisfaction. “Stay away from me,” She weeps. “Just let me die in peace.” She’s too weak to keep her eyes open, so she misses what she somewhat hopes is a heartbroken expression on Bellamy’s face.  _ He isn’t real. They want the flame. They’re using his face to trick me. They only want the flame. Bellamy’s dead. He’s dead. Bellamy’s dead and they want the flame. He’s dead. They’re using him. They want the flame. He’s dead. Dead. Bellamy. _

*

Bellamy counts the seconds as he waits for Gabriel to neutralize the technician and open the door, working hard to tamper his adrenaline and focus. Get Clarke. Get back to the stone room. Don’t get caught. Simple directives, only made complicated when he heard her screaming from the hall and his heart rate had doubled at the sound. 

Gabriel finally moves to unlock the doors, leaving Bellamy to compartmentalize the horror of Clarke’s continued screams. He needs to get that machine off of her. Now.

“Clarke!” Bellamy shouts her name, willing her to be alright as he hurries across the room, realizing as soon as he reaches her there’s more than the machine at play.

“What did they do to her?” He asks, voice low in a murderous rage.

“They claim it’s medicine, but at the doses they were giving her it’s practically poison.” Bellamy wants to snap his neck for letting them do this, and still might, if she doesn’t recover. He pushes that thought to the very back of his mind. He can unpack the shame of his knee-jerk reaction to murder an ally later. Right now, Clarke needs him.

“Keep her steady while I shut the machine down,” Gabriel orders.

“Clarke,” Bellay says again, “look at me, hey-“. He sees her eyes flutter, but they don’t stay open long. She slumps back against the table. “Stay awake!” He says, and it sounds cruel coming from his lips but she can’t sleep. She can’t slip away. Not again. Gabriel nods to him that the machine is disengaged. Bellamy releases her from the restraints and reaches to steady her but she pulls away. His heart drops to his stomach, but he reaches out to her again, kneeling beside her where she’d fallen on the floor, hard.

“Easy,” He tries to say, leaving his hands open and palms turned towards her, an ally, not a threat.

“Just let me die in peace,” She whines, shattering his heart.

“You’re not dying,” He insists. “We’re going to get out of here,”

“No,” She’s curled on her side like a child, gasping for breath. “I won’t help him,”

“Clarke we have to go,” Bellamy says forcefully. “Now,”

“Not Bellamy.” She asks looking past him as if he’s a ghost. “Anything else, anyone else please, please not Bellamy.”

*

_ It was a trick to get them the flame, it had to be. Bellamy was dead. Bellamy is dead.  _ Clarke wants nothing more than to follow him, to take his hand and leave all of the pain for whatever comes next. But she isn’t dead, or death is cruel, and all of the suffering she inflicted will drown her for all eternity.  _ It’s a trick to get the flame. Bellamy’s dead. He isn’t here. They just want the flame. If I trust him they’ll get it. Bellamy’s dead. He’s dead.  _ It hurts to breathe, the light makes her dizzy.  _ Bellamy is dead.  _ It hits her all at once, as though she only learned it for the first time.

“You’re dead,” She sobs, reaching out to touch his face. “You’re dead. They killed you. If I go with you they’ll find the flame.”

“They lied to you,” He tells her, working hard to keep his voice soft. “It was a lie, shh. I’m here, I’m not dead.”

“You are,” Clarke insists. “I won’t help you, I won’t. Even if I can stay with Bellamy I won’t.” She’s speaking past his shoulder again.

“Clarke,” Bellamy says again, reaching out to cradle her face in his hand. “It’s not a trick, I promise. I’m here. I’m here, and we’re going to get you back to Sanctum. Back to Madi. Someplace safe. You just need to trust me,”

“I can’t,” She sobs, voice breaking and sending a shiver of memory down his spine. “You only want the flame. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” he says forcefully, lifting her up to stand.

“Let go of me,” She tries to pull away from him and nearly falls again.

“Clarke stop,” He pleads with her, bringing one arm across her stomach and the other high across her shoulders. “Please,”

Gabriel tilts his head towards the door. “Let’s move,”

Clarke tries to pull away again but Bellamy holds her tight in his grip. “I’ve got you,” He says, fumbling for something to say that won’t frighten her further. “It’s alright,”

Clarke pushes all of her weight forward, trying to slip out of his grip.

“Damn it, Clarke, stop!”

Something shifts across her face, like for a moment she’s seeing him for the first time. It’s too brief a flash and she shakes her head as if she’s trying to clear out the bad dreams still holding her hostage.

“I can’t,” She sinks to the floor again “I can’t let them find it,”

“They won’t,” He vows, eye level with her.

“You’re not real,” She says.

Barely a week ago she had been a ghost, literally a prisoner of her own mind. And now here she was again, terrified in a way she never let anyone truly see, too far gone to consider hiding her pain. He should have protected her then. He should have kept this from happening now. He can’t think of anything to say to reach her.

Gabriel rushes an injection hastily into her upper arm; Clarke screams in surprise and Bellamy in rage.

“It’s only a sedative,” He explains quickly.

Clarke can feel herself beginning to succumb, but the hallucinations won’t cease.  _ Her dad floats across the ceiling. Octavia pushes her into the ground. Finn stabs a knife into her chest.  _ She feels herself falling from where she’s sitting, but the weight of sleep is too heavy and she can’t bring her arms to break her fall.

Bellamy barely gets beneath her in time, catching her shoulder and her neck to keep her from landing full-tilt on the floor. He lifts her swiftly, her head cradled in his elbow and his arm under her knees. It would be easier to carry her over his shoulder, he thinks, but if he needs to shield her from an attack, he can get his body in front of hers faster this way. If there’s a God out there listening, could they get just a bit of a break and get back to the stone room without trouble?


	5. Chapter 5

Octavia throws the unconscious body of a disciple behind her towards the stone. Raven and Jordan make quick work of tearing helmets off, prepping for departure. Echo and Hope hold the door, fighting back a literal army, Miller, Niylah and Octavia taking down anyone who slips through.

“We can’t keep this up forever,” Raven shouts from the back of the room.

“They’ll never get through,” Miller agrees. “We need a better plan,”

“Echo!” Hope shouts. Echo follows her line of sight to Bellamy and Gabriel supporting Clarke between them. She catches Bellamy’s eye and jerks her head to the side, urging them to lay low until they can come up with a plan to get the disciples out of the way. The distraction costs her and she takes a hard hit to her center.

She rolls out of the hit and into the fray of bodies, and Octavia rushes forward to fill the gap where she had been previously. Echo manages to slice through the mob with precision, but she’s in the wrong place, Bellamy and Gabriel are on the other side of the hall, still out of sight, she hopes.

“New plan,” She screams at Hope, “I’m going for the oxygen farm, like they showed us in the tests!”

“Echo no-“ Octavia tries to argue but has to stop to duck a blast near her head.

“Stop her!” An order comes from the disciple battalion. Good, they took the bait. Echo sprints down the hall and the mass divides, half towards the door of the stone room the other half after Echo.

“Let her go-“ Hope says sharply.

“Octavia fall back,” Miller shouts.

“We can’t let them take the room,” She argues.

“They won’t,” Raven says darkly, locking the sight of a blaster she took from a downed disciple. “Let them through.”

*

Echo runs hard, ducking around corners low, hoping to throw anyone she met off balance. She has no intention of actually making it to the oxygen farm, only to lead enough disciples on a chase to even the odds by the stone room, giving Gabriel and Bellamy enough time to get through the door.

She didn’t expect them to wait for her. There hadn’t been time to argue it, and the plan had only come to her when she’d already been bested once. So what, if her fight would soon be over. She was the expendable one.

Over five years trying to get back to Bellamy, and he’s alive long enough for her to die on a suicide mission. It’s still a better ending than she’d ever hoped for before. Bellamy would be fine, he’d managed to rescue Clarke afterall. 

She makes a break for a stairwell, shoving the door shut behind her and jumping over the rail to drop to the next landing, buying her a precious bit of time the disciples will have to stumble over. She barrels out of that level’s doorway and keeps running, turning the next corner and slamming hard into a body coming from the opposite end.

“Out of the way!” She hisses.

“Echo?”

“Stay out of my way-“ She repeats harshly.

“What the hell is going on, you’re supposed to be in the stone room!”

“Change of plans,” She says gruffly, turning when she hears footsteps quickly approaching.

“Get out of sight!” She shoves Levitt into a utility closet. “Say one word and I’ll slit your throat.” She reminds him. He nods in understanding, poking nervously at his still healing wounds from their last encounter.

The footsteps pass. He gives her a look that’s half curious and half terrified.

“What?” She snaps.

“Are you trying to kill everyone here again?”

“You aren’t worth the time it would take to silence you,”

“Would have thought finding your boyfriend would have at least earned me an  _ I’m sorry for torturing you when all you’ve ever done is try and help us _ .”

That stings.

“I had to break up the mob by the stone room. If they’re smart they’re already back in Sanctum. So yeah, killing everyone here is back on the table.”

Levitt flips a switch and holds his fingers to an earpiece, fiddling with the volume enough that Echo can hear it as well.

“Hold the oxygen farm, if they retreat to Sanctum we can pursue later. We can’t let them breach the air supply.” A disciple barks the order through the earpiece. 

“I’m not going to get back there in time, and I don’t know the code. Might as well burn the trail.”

“Or,” Levitt says, hedging his bets. “I can get you back there.”

*

“We can’t get through that,” Gabriel says from the alcove where they’re hidden, Clarke still unconscious between them.

“We make a break for it and pull the door shut, kill any disciples still inside.”

“Echo ran to draw them off, we have no idea where she is, and once we shut that door it stays shut or every disciple that followed her is back on our asses.” Gabriel looks at Bellamy, expecting more of a fight. “You’re just ok with that?”

“She saw us and ran the other way,” He says, voice shaken.

“If she wanted to kill everyone here she would have already,”

“Not single-handedly,”

“The only reason she didn’t is because Raven talked her down. It’s how Diyoza died. She was ready to commit genocide in your name.” He chuckles to himself. “Look I’m not one to judge complicated relationships, but you don’t seem much concerned that your girlfriend is being chased down by a bunch of fanatics, but I put Clarke to sleep and you nearly took my head off.”

Bellamy bristles. “We need to move, soon.”

“Echo needs time-“

“And we will give her as much time as we can, but we are sitting ducks. We need to move.”

Gabriel pinches the bridge of his nose and glances out at the fray. “You clear a path, I’ll get Clarke inside.”

Bellamy clenches his jaw. “I won’t let anything happen to her, but you’re faster than me and haven’t spent the last seventy years trying to be a pacifist. I’ve trained with those people, they know what my weaknesses are.”

*

“What the hell was she thinking?” Octavia shouts angrily, stepping over the disciple she downed.

“Less questions, more fighting please!” Miller quips as he rolls behind the stone to dodge a blast charge.

“Jordan, Niylah, fall back and get your helmets on, then switch with Miller and Octavia. We need to be ready as soon as they’re back,” Raven orders. She’s flying through the helmet settings, trying to come up with some kind of an advantage. She stumbles upon a setting that lets her see infrared through the walls, and movement to her left catches her eye.

She spends a fraction of a second weighing the pros and cons of tipping their hand before deciding on efficiency over speed. “Octavia, Hope, on your left!”

Octavia spins to see Bellamy barreling down the hall, Gabriel a few paces behind, trying to support a barely conscious Clarke.

“Aunty O, go!” Hope screams at her, spurring Octavia to charge through the narrow space in an effort to get to Bellamy.

A sudden flash goes off by Octavia’s ear and she has just enough reflex to shout “get down!” before the hall goes dark with a thunderous crash.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Implied character death

“You really are some of the most barbaric people I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting,” Cadogen sighs, gesturing to the dozens of disarmed-or worse-disciples scattered on the ground, where Bellamy’s face was currently pinned to the tile by at least three people, making it impossible to assess where everyone else was.

“Get this one up,” Cadogen says, and the weight of bodies becomes a force that drags him to stand. Bellamy surveys, Hope and Jordan have held the door to the stone room, Octavia is restrained but unhurt. He fights the urge to retch when he sees Clarke’s blood pooling on the tile, Gabriel on his knees beside her.

“All I am asking for is the key, and then all of this can end.”

“We’re not going to help you start another war,”

“And what do you call all of this? A tea party?” Cadogen scoffs before turning his attention to Hope.

“You know what we are trying to do here, Hope. Send out Raven, and I will let Octavia leave and those of you without knowledge of the key may depart.”

Hope flicks her eyes to Bellamy.

“None of us know what you’re looking for,” Bellamy insists. “So why don’t all of us leave, and you can go back to sleep for a hundred years until your flying monkeys figure out what to do next.”

“I know you wouldn’t want to disappoint your mother, Hope. Bring Raven out to me, and you and Auntie O can go home.” Cadogen says chidingly, ignoring Bellamy completely.

“Don’t you dare talk about her!” Hope lunges but Jordan pulls her back.

“So much rage,” Cadogen muses. “Such a waste of potential. Well if you won’t make the exchange then I suppose we shall begin the executions.” Cadogen gestures toward Octavia. “Start with her,”

Bellamy lunges while Octavia swings her legs to trip his captors. For one horrific moment chaos breaks out again but Cadogen’s panicked voice quickly cuts through the fray.

“Hold, all of you!” Cadogen bellows. Bellamy has him shoved to his knees, a blaster pressed to the back of his head.

“We leave, now, or your brains wind up on the floor. Take your pick.”

Cadogen contemplates carefully, then closes his eyes in meditation. “Be not afraid, my flock, if it is my time to die then it is the will of the universe, and I am prepared to do my part to allow for your transcendence. Like the great prophets before me I sacrifice my life in the name of my people, I am prepared to die so that may transcend. My beloved-“

“Stop talking!” Bellamy presses the barrel to his head.

Cadogen considers his next statement carefully, but then addresses his disciples. “Your priority must be Clarke. She knows where it is. Capture who else you can, do not waste resources in pursuit of them. Keep them alive. Clarke will break if you harm them. Her fanatic selfishness is her undoing.”

A chorus of “Yes my Shepherd” responds. Bellamy tries to meet Gabriel’s eyes, then Octavia’s, searching for a solution.

“If you capture them you will all die,” A voice-Echo’s?-carries through the hall. “Remember this?” She holds up the vial that killed Diyoza.

“Echo don’t!” Hope shouts.

“All of us or none of us,” Echo says darkly. “Either they let us leave or every one of us dies here.”

“You had so much promise, Echo.” Cadogen laments. “I hoped to prepare you for greatness, to be the general that led us triumphantly into the final war.”

“Save it,” She says harshly, giving the vial a shake.

“O, help Gabriel get Clarke inside.” Bellamy orders.

Cadogen turns his palms, gesturing to the disciples to stand down and allow it.

Bellamy tries to meet Echo’s eye but she won’t face him, following Octavia and Gabriel as they usher Clarke’s limp form through the doorway of the stone room.

“Get inside and get your helmet on,” She says, still not meeting his eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?” He looks at her.

“Just do it!” She snaps at him.

“Go ahead Echo,” Cadogen goads. “Drop the vial. Save your friends. Damn yourselves to a lover's tragic ending.”

“Echo look at me!” Bellamy screams, desperation in his voice. His tone breaks her and she meets his eyes. “Go first, please-“ 

“You won’t make it through,” He argues. 

“Yes she will,” A second voice from down the hall. “Either they both get into the stone room and off of Bardo, or I drop the weapon.”

“Levitt?” Octavia calls, shocked.

“You know how it works,” He tells her. “If we drop it, shut the door and get away before it’s too late.”

“This is treason,” Cadogen hisses. “Blasphemy!”

“This is what love looks like, my Shepherd,” Levitt says. “I’m sorry that you lost it. But I have found mine. And I will do whatever it takes to protect her.”

Octavia bites her lip, honored and horrified at his intensity.

“Don’t die for me,” She pleads. “It’s not worth it.”

“Keeping the key from him is,” Levitt counters. “Echo, Bellamy, go.”

Bellamy waits until Echo is within arms reach, then gives Cadogen a hard shove to the ground. Echo pulls him into the stone room quickly.

“Put your helmets on and open the portal,” Levitt shouts. “They can’t shoot me without having me drop it, but they’ll stop me soon enough.

Echo surveys the damage, taking count of her friends waiting behind her, then smashes the vial to the ground and shoves the door quickly closed.

“Echo no!” Octavia screams, Miller pulling her back.

“What the hell did you do?” Bellamy asks in horror.

“Gave him an easy death.” She says harshly. “Now let’s move.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Hallucinations and depictions of torture

_ Bellamy’s dead. My mom is dead. Jasper is dead. Finn is dead. Lexa is dead. Wells is dead. Harper is dead. Charlotte is dead. I am dead. Dax is dead. Kane is dead. My dad is dead. Monty is dead. Maya is dead. Bellamy’s dead. _

”Clarke, can you hear me?” His hand is calloused and warm on her cheek.

“Don’t!” She shrieks, scrambling away from him, spurred on by adrenaline. “Stay away from me-“

“It’s ok,” Bellamy tries to reassure her. “You’re back on Sanctum. Cadogen didn’t follow us here. You’re ok.”

“He wants the flame,” She says as if Bellamy may have forgotten.

“He won’t be able to find it,” He assures her.

“Stop it,” She begs. “Please, please just let me go.”

“Oh my God,” Octavia’s eyes go wide. “She thinks-“

“That this is all an elaborate psychotic torture, that they’re using Bellamy’s memory to steal from you.” Gabriel fills in.

“What did they do to her?” Raven asks harshly.

“Poisoned her,” Gabriel explains. “It’s a toxic medication.”

“And now she thinks they’re using me to invade her mind,” Bellamy laments, head in hands.

“She’ll be alright,” Gabriel says, though he can’t honestly know that for sure. “It will wear off eventually,”

“Get off of me,” Clarke kicks at Bellamy hard.

“Put her back under,” Miller says, trying to hide how heart wrenching he found her struggling to be. “She’s gonna hurt herself again.”

“I don’t want to exacerbate the problem further,” Gabriel counters.

“Clarke, come on, it’s us.” Raven continues.

“Just leave me alone!” Clarke screams. “I won’t tell you where the key is.” Raven stands there stunned.

“Let go of me!” Clarke continues screaming as Bellamy tries to ease her onto Gabriel’s bed.

Russell Lightborne chained her to a surgical table. Maya injected her with liquid that felt like fire. Clarke tried to scream. Madi hung upside down in front of her, the crown of her head stained with black blood. Her mother hung by her neck, eyes bulging as she begged Clarke to reach out her hand.

_ Cage Wallace held Bellamy by his hair. Bellamy was kneeling on the ground, covered in blood and radiation burns. Cage held a knife to his throat- _

_ “Where is the key Clarke?” _

“Bellamy,” Clarke cries suddenly, frantic. “Please, not Bellamy-“

“I’m right here,” He promises. “Just rest, everything’s ok.”

“Let him go!”  _ Cage pulled the knife across Bellamy’s throat. Clarke screams, her bonds flying loose as she scrambles to hold Bellamy upright, his blood staining the crisp white gifted to her by Mount Weather. She felt like she was drowning, as though the floor had swallowed her, ice and poison and Primfaya and fire and Wells was screaming and her Dad was shot out into the stars and she reached out for them and— _

Bellamy. She sees his face clearly, though where they are is dark. Clarke needs to make him understand. She doesn’t want to lose him. But her head feels like someone has been hammering at it with nails, she feels blood caked on her skin and she keeps shivering through it.

“It’s ok, I’m right here-“

“You’re lying. They’re using you.”

“It’s not a dream Clarke, it’s real. I’m right here with you. We’re on Sanctum. It will wear off soon-“

“No!” Clarke jerks suddenly, reaching for him. “Don’t go. Please don’t go,”

“I’m right here,” Bellamy says again, running his thumb soothingly across her cheek. “I’m real. I’m not leaving you, I promise. Just stay with me, it’s ok.”

Clarke stares, eyes shifting rapidly and trembling. “No, no not this. No. Please not this, not Bellamy please!”

Bellamy tries to hold her steady but Clarke lunges again, barreling Hope onto the ground low at the knees. Before Hope can react Clarke scrambles up and tries to reach for Echo, who dodges her neatly but not without landing Clarke hard on the ground.

“Clarke!” Raven drops down to try and calm her, but Clarke sees the gesture as an attack and thrashes her back.

“Listen to us damn it!” Raven shouts and there’s another brief flicker of recognition in Clarke’s eyes, then searing pain.

Clarke curls into herself on the ground, anguished sobs ripping through her whole body.

“I can’t,” She cries. “Please stop, please I can’t. Please no, stop.” She screams. 

Bellamy rushes to kneel by her side, brushing past Echo who tries to keep him back.

“Clarke,” He says softly, palms up and moving slowly. “It’s ok,”

“Get out of my head!” She roars. “I won’t help you, I won’t!” She tries to attack again but he’s ready for her, pinning her arms to her side, trapping her with her back tight against his chest.

“Bellamy,” Echo says despondently. He gives her a tortured look, following her gaze to where Gabriel has a sedative prepared. Bellamy’s face contorts in guilt, but he nods his permission.

Clarke screams as if she’s been shot when the needle pierces her shoulder, but the rage quickly dissipates into terror, and she doubles over Bellamy’s arms tight across her stomach, gulping for air and panicked.

“Just breathe,” He begs her, refusing to remember the last time he’d said those words in near the same exact spot. “You’ll feel better when you wake up,” He makes the empty promise, lost for ways to comfort her save to shift so that his arm is cradling her neck, keeping her from any danger of falling to the ground.

“Don’t go,” She pleads with him. “I’ll tell them where it is, I promise.” The sedation takes stronger hold of her and her sobs reduce to whimpers. “Just stay with me and I’ll do it, Bellamy please don’t go.”

“It’s alright,” He assures her.

“No, no” She whines, reaching for him, cradling his face in her hand.

“Shhh,” He says, holding her hand against his cheek. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you wake up again, I promise.”

“Don’t go,” She barely finishes the words before her body is slack in his arms. The group looks to each other, exhaling for the first time since returning to Sanctum. Bellamy barely breathes, let alone thinks of moving, and just keeps her tight against him, murmuring soothing comforts she’s too deep asleep to hear.

*

Echo falls back into the shadows and quietly out the door, her training coming back like muscle memory and she’s certain no one sees her leave.

“What the hell did they give her?” Niylah asks, horrified.

“I don’t know for sure,” Gabriel sighs. “Only that it was a nearly lethal dose on an already injured mind.”

“We should go back to the palace, check their medical library,” Jordan says.

“I’ll go with you,” Niylah says, jumping at the chance to do something besides watch the next horrifying scene unfold.

“I’m coming too,” Miller says. “I need to find Jax, he might be able to help.”

“Go carefully,” Gabriel warns. “We left this place a powder keg, who knows what’s happened since.”

“I should come too,” Raven says, looking to Miller. “Get us squared away to head out, I’ll catch up.”

“Hope and I will keep watch here,” Octavia says, tilting her head towards the door and reaching out for her niece. Hope leans into her shoulder briefly before they separate again. “Let us know if something changes,” She says to Gabriel who nods in agreement.

Gabriel shares a glance with Raven and takes the hint. “Let me get you both something warmer to wear if you’re going to keep watch,” He says, hurrying to follow Hope and Octavia out.

“She won’t break if you put her on the bed you know,” Raven says bluntly.

“She thought we were trying to kill her,” He replies brokenly. “She thought I was trying to sell her out.”

“She’s hallucinating and missed the memo that her best friend she thought died actually didn’t. She’ll come out of it. It’s Clarke.” Her tone is ice.

“What’s your deal Raven?”

“Echo is my sister and I just watched you break her heart without even noticing.” Bellamy’s eyes flash to hers. Raven tilts her head, daring him to deny it. Bellamy stands, lifting Clarke with ease and settling her on the cot beside them. Raven waits for him to finish doting on her, each millisecond spent lingering fueling her frustration.

“Echo spent five years on Penance, finally got to Bardo and found out you were dead. She scarred her face and joined the cult that we all know is a load of bullshit from some first Earth crackpot, and spent months learning everything about them so that when the time came she could kill all of them. The only reason she didn’t is because I talked her down from yet another mass murder. The woman who became our family on the ring was gone the second she thought you were dead. It destroyed her. Then when she finds out you're alive you barely acknowledge her because you’re off saving Clarke. And Echo  _ still _ does everything for you, and nearly gets herself killed drawing them off so that you can do what you always do, and put Clarke first.”

“She wanted to kill all of them.” Bellamy repeats, horrified, registering for the first time what Gabriel had told him earlier. 

“Don’t you dare try and judge her for doing what she thought was right,” Raven snaps. “She wanted to avenge you. We all did.”

“I am not worth murdering an entire city for-“

“That’s not the point Bellamy, stop being an idiot!” He glares at her. “We all know how this was supposed to go. If there was no Primfaya, if you had stayed in the damn bunker, there is not a single person who doesn’t know it was supposed to be you and Clarke. Except you. So as the person who’s been there, figure your shit out. I’m not going to let you hurt Echo like that again.”

He shrugs, unsure what she expects from him. “What am I supposed to do here? I didn’t stop loving her-“

“First off,” Raven says, cutting him short. “You get straight which  _ her  _ you’re talking about. And when you get your head out of your ass and realize that there’s no way this goes down without someone getting hurt, you give Echo the damn respect of telling her yourself.”

“I’m not leaving Clarke,” He says reflexively, making Raven’s case for itself quite neatly.

Raven shakes her head in disgust. “You still don’t see it, do you?”

Bellamy’s shoulders sag. He runs his hand across his face. “I didn’t want this to happen.” He says guiltily. “I didn’t want to hurt her.”

“Don’t tell me that, tell Echo.” Raven says, her vicious pointedness dulled slightly. “I’ll stay with Clarke just in case something gets weird. If you go now you’ll be back before her sedative wears off.”

Bellamy takes a solid look at Clarke, assuring himself she’s still fast asleep. “Is there ever going to be a time where something can happen without anyone else getting hurt?”

“Pain’s all the proof we’ve got we’re still alive,” She answers wryly. “Echo’s tough. She deserves to hear it from you though.”

“Didn’t realize dating advice came with the title of second in command.”

“You know damn well I’m the smartest person you know. Now stop stalling and go.”


	8. Chapter 8

Echo sat staring at the newly built fire. Gabriel was across from her, but quickly took his cue to exit when Bellamy sat beside her. They sit in awkward silence for a few minutes, Echo as impossible to read as always. Bellamy reaches tentatively for her hand. She doesn’t draw it back from her lap, but she makes no effort to reciprocate. The disconcerting silence lingers until she can’t take it any longer.

“I knew the second we got back to Earth I was going to lose you. I knew, and I let you lie to me anyway.”

“I wasn’t lying,” He says, knowing full well it sounds hollow. “I love you.”

“Maybe you weren’t lying then, but you are now.” She isn’t mad, but resolute.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” He says ashamedly, and that ignites her anger.

“It’s too late for that,” She says harshly, withdrawing her hand now. “I spent five years trying to find you, only to find out that you’re dead. I spent months planning how to avenge you, to punish them-“

“I would never have wanted that,” He says, anger rising to match hers. “Haven’t we learned by now that the answer to everything isn’t to kill everyone? Maybe that’s what Azgeda did to solve its problems, but you told me you changed. You said you would be loyal to us, and that means killing when we have to, not because we think it will make us feel better!”

“Coming from the man who slaughtered an army because his girlfriend died.”

“You know damn well how much I regret that day. And every life I’ve ever taken. But at least when I did, I believed it was for the right reasons, not because I wanted to kill someone just so I could remember what it was like to feel something!”

She recoils at that, standing to put more distance between them. “I hope you got comfortable being alone on Etherea, because when she dies I won’t take you back.”

Bellamy snaps his eyes at her, judging the weight of the threat carefully. Echo sees his reaction and her mask slips. “I would never do that. She saved me just as much as she did the rest of you.”

Bellamy’s expression softens, guilt at his reaction overtaking him. He knew better than to accept her anger at face value, it was a shield to protect her. To keep her from showing weakness. He stands, reaching for her hesitantly, and is genuinely surprised when she makes no move to stop him from wrapping his arms around her in an affectionate embrace.

“I’m sorry,” He says sincerely. “I haven’t stopped loving you,”

“But you’ll always love her more,” She says, and had he not known her so well he would have missed the way she tried to mask the quiver in her voice. He pulls back to wipe the tear running down her cheek.

“You will always be my family,” He says with great intensity. “Please believe that.”

She steels herself, swallowing back the tears that threaten to overwhelm her. “ _ Yu sou ai bro.” _

He nods, biting back his own tears, grateful to have their relationship shift, not end.

*

“Mind if I keep you both company for a while?” Gabriel asks nonchalantly, as if Octavia and Hope were having a girl’s night rather than keeping watch on his mostly abandoned camp.

“If you have to,” Hope says curtly.

“Well seeing as though my options are the unconscious body of the person my ex almost murdered or the long term relationship falling apart as we speak, this is the safest place for a neutral by-stander to be right now.”

“Neutral’s a generous word,” Hope says again.

“I thought you two were friends?” Octavia asks, chiding Hope without antagonizing her further.

“He made us stay on Bardo to figure out the stupid rock,” Hope says petulantly. “We could have escaped.”

“That’s water under the bridge,” Octavia says diplomatically.

“Mom’s dead! And he’s why! We could have escaped months ago!” Hope glowers.

“If you need to blame me while you heal, Hope, I don’t mind. We all know I have plenty of sins to atone for, what is one more if it can help ease your heart.” Gabriel says calmly, pulling a bag of jerky from his pocket, enraging Hope with his calm.

“You’re looking for a fight in the wrong place,” Octavia tells her sternly. “Why don’t you go take a lap around the perimeter and cool off.”

“I don’t want to cool off,” Hope says stubbornly.

“That anger will eat you alive and you know it,” Octavia says. “You know the stories, and you heard your mom. You have to do better than that.”

“Why didn’t you just let us kill them?” Hope cries. “Echo killed Levitt. She killed all of them for all we know. And it wasn’t ok when I wanted to but just because Bellamy and Clarke were in trouble that makes it ok? They took everything away from me and they should have died for it.”

Octavia reaches for her but she pulls back, thinking Octavia will give her space. Instead she presses forward, pulling Hope into a tight hug. “I miss her too,” She says. “But she wouldn’t want you to go down this path. Not when she fought so hard to protect you from it.”

“I want my mom,” Hope says brokenly, showing a vulnerability Gabriel has never seen.

“Death is life,” He says softly, whether musing to himself or offering comfort he can’t be sure. “She chose death to give you the chance at life, Hope. And I know that’s hard and it is a heavy burden, but you are not alone in this.”

“I’m here for you,” Octavia says emphatically. “Your friends are here for you. And we will be able to heal from this, I promise.”

Hope wipes her eyes, leaning against Octavia’s shoulder. “It hurts so much,”

“I know it does, I know.” Octavia rocks her soothingly.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Hallucinations, Depictions of Torture, Suicide Attempt/Suicidal Thoughts

_ Clarke gasps awake, visions of fire and radiation still threatening to engulf her. Her throat felt like she had swallowed a hot poker; enflamed and like she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes fell shut again and she felt herself fall, hard, slipping in burning sand, desperate for relief and unable to find any. _

_ Her hand gropes blindly, trying to find respite and falls on metal. Hot to the touch. Her gun. Reflexively she puts the barrel to her temple, and suddenly she feels blessedly cool, the solution to end her suffering as simple as pulling a trigger. There was nothing left, no one, it would be so easy. The sun burned. The sand burned. Her throat burned. Her skin burned. The gun was cool. The bullet would pour ice down her burning veins, let her fall into the soothing breeze of sleep. _

Bellamy jerks awake, cursing himself for dozing off in the chair beside her bed. His eyes flash to the empty bed, and his stomach drops when he sees her kneeling in front of it on the floor, pistol pressed to her temple.

“Clarke don’t!”

_ The desert taunts her, the sound of Bellamy’s voice screaming her name echoing across the dunes. Bellamy would be disappointed that she gave up. But Bellamy is dead. Her mom is dead. Monty is dead… _

“Clarke, listen to me,” He pleads, forcing himself to steady his voice. “Just wait. Just wait for me, ok?” He walks toward her cautiously; certain she’s still deep in the delusions.

_ Wait for me. How can he ask that of her when she has for so long? Waited for him to come back to Earth. To forgive her for the fighting pits. To come back from Gabriel’s camp. To come home from Bardo. Waited for him to run after her and drag her kicking and screaming back through the fence of Arkadia. Waited for him to realize she’d loved him longer than she had ever realized. _

Clarke’s hands begin to tremble and he seizes the moment of hesitation to pull the gun from her grasp and slide it far out of reach. 

“No,” She cries, despondent at the loss of her opportunity. Didn’t he realize she was burning?

“You’re ok,” He says.

“No, no.” She draws her knees to her chest, rocking fitfully. “It hurts.”

A fresh terror creeps down his spine but he forces himself to keep it in check. “Can you tell me what hurts, Clarke?”

She continues to sway, lost in the haze of her waking nightmares. Bellamy kneels in front of her, gripping her upper arms tightly.

“It burns,” She whines pathetically. “It’s all burning, it won’t stop.”

“They poisoned you,” He tells her, hoping understanding might help her regain lucidity. “It will stop soon,” He promises, having no idea if he’s lying to her or not. “It will stop burning soon.”

“It’s too much,” She chokes out. “I can’t.”

“You’re ok,” He says. “It’s going to be ok,”

“You’re already dead,” She tells him brokenly. “I just want to be dead too.”

Bellamy crumbles. “Please Clarke, please I can’t lose you again. I can’t.”

_ The chains on her wrists are heavy. Bellamy’s dragging Madi by her hair. Bellamy cuts into her daughter’s neck as Bellamy prepares the flame. Monty and Jasper are burning at the stake. Bellamy lit the pyre. Lexa’s lifeless body lays at Clarke’s feet. Bellamy snapped her neck. Her parents are floating across the stars. Bellamy opened the hatch. Bellamy is hanging from a coarse rope, gasping and reaching out for her. Bellamy kicked the block out from beneath him. _

“Stop!” Clarke screams, shoving him away, scrambling for the gun. “I can’t, please just make it stop.” Bellamy grabs at her waist, pulling her back towards him, guilt threatening to drown him for causing her more pain, and terrified she’ll reach the gun. She kicks at him hard, knocking the wind from his lungs. He drags her hard against the dirt floor, pinning her against the edge of the bed. The impact shakes her, ushering a fresh wave of tears as if she’s an injured animal caught in a trap.

“Please, Bellamy,” She whimpers. “Just make it stop.”

He shakes his head in refusal, fighting for a burst of air. “I can’t,” He tells her, bitterly honest. “I can’t lose you again. I won’t.” He would do anything, to spare her pain. Murder hundreds of innocents, keep her from witnessing torture, forgive her anything she could ever do to harm him. But he could not gift her this.

Clarke sobs violently, incoherent again, pleading for him to end her suffering. Bellamy clutches her tight, heart-broken and afraid.

Gabriel hears the struggle from outside and rushes in. He assesses the scene quickly, eyes darting from the gun on the floor to the pair tangled in a struggle. He moves the gun out of reach of both of them before hastily reaching for another dose of sedative.

Clarke catches sight of him and panic arises anew. “No, no-“

Bellamy follows her train of thought, shifting to keep his grip on her steady. “Don’t,” He tells Gabriel.

“She’s practically catatonic,” He argues.

“Bellamy,” She says and something in her voice sounds for the first time as if she’s truly right beside him and not a galaxy away.

“Don’t,” He repeats to Gabriel. “It’s only making it worse.”

Gabriel eyes him warily but stays a respectable distance back.

“Clarke?” Bellamy asks cautiously. She doesn’t trust her voice to respond, instead reaching one shaking hand to cover his where it’s tight against his own wrist, locking his arms around her. He takes that as an affirmation that she’s at least somewhat still with them.

“Just stay with me,” He says, low, only for her.

“They said you were dead,” Her voice is timid.

“They lied,” He assures her again, deciding to worry if she doesn’t remember this conversation or didn’t believe him later. “I’m right here.”

“They want the flame,” She tells him. “They had me, they were trying to-“ She stammers, trying to solidify her thoughts but her vision blurs and she feels her body cave in on itself.

“You’re ok, you’re ok, stay with me,” He moves with her, pressing her against him, a force against her erratic motions.

“What did they do to me?” She asks, voice broken.

“Medically induced hallucinations,” Gabriel says from the far wall. “What you’re seeing and feeling isn’t real.”

“Then you are dead,” She sobs violently, leading Bellamy to glare murderously at Gabriel.

“No,” He insists, taking the calculated risk to release her. “Look at me, Clarke,”

She shakes her head, curling into herself again. He pulls her hands away from her face and smooths her hair back out of her eyes. “It’s ok,” He says again. “I’m not leaving you again.”

Clarke struggles to compose herself, lip trembling. She reaches for his hand which he takes gladly, strong and steady against her tentative reach, pressing it tight against his chest. She feels his beating heart beneath her hand, focusing on the sensation.

_ Bellamy’s dead. They took Bellamy. She closed the dropship door. She sent him into Mt. Weather. She left him in Arkadia. She trapped him in the bunker. She left him to die in the fighting pits. Bellamy’s dead and she never told him the truth. _

She’s crying again, and he would do anything,  _ anything _ to make it stop. She’s so strong, all of the time. He can count on one hand the times he’s seen her be anything less than a warrior. Athena comes to mind; Goddess of wit and war. Brilliant, lethal, passionate and strong. To see her reduced to a shattered shell feels like shards of glass edging into his own heart. That tracks, he thinks. She’s the largest part of it. Her pain is his own, felt acutely as if the flames burned him just as well.

“Clarke,” He reaches for her face, thumb brushing the tears from her cheek. “It’s ok, you’re ok.” He tightens his grip on her hand, pressing it tight over his heart.

“You’re really here?” She asks, afraid of the answer.

“Yeah,” He assures her. “I’m really here.”


	10. Chapter 10

Clarke cries herself out eventually, clinging to Bellamy like a life raft, floating in and out of the waking nightmares, shifts he learns to read by how her grip on his hand tightens quickly and her face crumbles. He does his best to soothe her, afraid to feed into the visions, determined to be her anchor to reality. He keeps her hand tight in his, runs his fingers across her forehead and wipes the tears from her face. She’d finally fallen into a fitful, but natural, sleep, and so he stays vigilant beside her, her hand still safe between his own.

Octavia passes through wordlessly, draping a warm blanket over Clarke’s shivering form, and another across Bellamy’s shoulders. She knows better than to try and coax him from her side, and simply leaves a small portion of food and drink beside him.

Gabriel comes through a little later, and it takes convincing but Bellamy finally makes space for him to check Clarke’s vitals. Gabriel comments on her pulse, too fast, and her temperature, too high, and laments that his only medications to resolve such things would probably exacerbate her symptoms further.

“We’ll just keep letting her detox,” He tells Bellamy, who’s disdain for Gabriel’s lack of solutions is evident. “If her fever spikes past one hundred and three degrees for more than a few hours, then we can try something, but I want her system to get back to equilibrium as fast as possible.”

Raven comes by next, and he can tell by her face something is very wrong. Because of course it is.

“We need you outside,” She tells him.

“I’m not leaving her,” He says plainly, too tired to go another round with Raven.

“Either you come help us figure out what to do next or we bring the war council in here. You really want to wake her up just so she can hear that Madi’s being held hostage?”

That gets his attention quickly and he finally meets Raven’s eye. “Murphy and Emori too,” She says, only sounding mildly accusatory at his priorities.

*

Niylah takes Bellamy’s spot keeping watch over Clarke, humming softly and tending to her scraped up hands with gentleness. Bellamy situates himself around the fire with a view towards the tent, but compartmentalizes his concern for Clarke, who’s safe for the moment, to deal with the next crisis.

“Sanctum is a mess,” Miller says. “Sheidheda has Murphy, and Jax, Emori, and Madi are holed up with the nuclear reactor and a bunch of civilians.”

“He must have downloaded himself into the Prime’s mind drive and then killed Russell,” Raven says, pissed that she missed it.

“Did anyone see you?” Bellamy asks.

“Not that we know of, but it’s possible.” Jordan says. “Once we saw what was going on, getting into the palace was off the table.” He says, guiltily.

“Clarke is stable,” Gabriel absolves him generously.

“Which is more than we can say for Sanctum,” Raven interjects. “We’re their best chance, no one knows we got back here.”

“But they’re going to be looking,” Octavia says.

“We can travel back in small groups, rendezvous outside the gates.” Miller says.

“Then what?” Raven asks. “We have no idea who’s on side or not-“

“We know Murphy is trapped with Sheidheda. So we move on the machine shop first, then we find a way to get him.” Echo says decidedly. “He’ll be fine until then,” She says assuredly to Raven, who had cast her a doubtful glance.

“We’ll move in pairs,” Miller says. “Niylah and me, Jordan and Raven, Octavia and Hope, Echo and Gabriel. Meet at the West gate, and stay out of sight until then, make our way to the machine shop and get them out of there.”

“You benching me, Miller?” Bellamy asks.

All eyes turn to Nate. He squares his shoulders and looks Bellamy dead in the eye. “Clarke needs you. If you call protection detail a bench assignment, then that’s your problem. We’ve got this.”

As simply as that, it’s decided.

*

“You shouldn’t stay here,” Gabriel tells Bellamy quickly as they prepare to move out. He tosses a set of keys and a map on the table. “There’s a bunker about fifty miles East from here, take the gator.”

Bellamy starts to question but Gabriel cuts him off. “It was one of mine and Josie’s, no one else knew where it was, not even Russell.”

Bellamy gives him a questioning look, trying to figure out what about them has kept Gabriel in their corner. “You’re good leaders,” He answers the question Bellamy hasn’t asked. “You care about your people and you serve them, not the other way around.” He pauses for a moment. “And,” He says. “You two remind me of the early years. I don’t look it, but I’m old enough to have a soft spot for reminiscing about being young and in love. If I can help two people finally find each other…then I’d like to.”

Bellamy gives an understanding nod, taking the keys. He makes quick work of loading a brief round up of supplies, counting in his head. Gabriel and Echo were the last team leaving, they share a glance across the smoke of the extinguished fire, Echo giving him an approving nod before slinging her leg across the back of Gabriel’s bike.

He ducks back inside the tent, steeling himself. He reaches for Clarke cautiously, not wanting to startle her. She recoils back at his touch, but her eyes are steadier than they’ve been.

“Hey,” He says, trying to gauge where her head is.

“You’re still here,” She says. He makes a face somewhere between agreement and relief.

“Not that easy to get rid of me, princess,” He’s not quite sure where the instinct to call her that came from, but it brought the barest hint of a smile to her face, so he couldn’t bring himself to regret it.

“Come on,” He offers his hand to her. “We’ve got to move.”

Her expression flips from confusion to concern, and without warning it’s a half moment from panic again.

“Whoa, Clarke hey,” He takes her hand and grips it tight. “It’s ok.”

“What’s happening?”

“We’re moving somewhere safe,” He tells her, keeping it as simple as he can without lying. “You need more time for whatever they gave you to wear off.”

She takes a long moment to process, deciding if she can trust him or not. Deciding if she can trust her own mind, more so, but then she squeezes his hand back. “Ok,”

“Ok,” He nods, helping her to stand.

*

Clarke has her knees pulled to her chest while he drives. It’s not the safest position, but he managed to get the seatbelt on her, and the vice-like grip on her jacket and hard forward stare has him convinced that she was focusing on staying as close to this side of reality as she could manage.

“Why is it just us?” She asks him about twenty miles out. He spares a glance at her, trying to measure her state of mind and keep his eyes on where he’s driving at the same time.

“Because you’re not ok right now,” He tells her honestly. “And you need more time.”

“But somethings wrong,” She says cautiously, like she’s piecing it all together.

Bellamy glances at her again, torn on how to proceed.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” He says, because he can’t read her mind and drive at the same time. Not when it’s this much of a mess, anyway.

“I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t,” she confesses. “It keeps changing, and it hurts, and then I start to feel ok and then I feel like I’m drowning again and I can’t make it stop. I don’t know what’s happening.” 

“This is real,” He assures her.

“I want to believe you,” She says guiltily.

“Clarke I swear to you this is real. We’re in the woods in Sanctum and I’m taking you somewhere safe.”

She makes no reply, just tightens her grip on her sleeves and stares distantly ahead. It’s good enough for now.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Explicit Smut

Clarke wakes slowly, muscles sore and mouth dry, but her vision isn’t blurred, so she marks it as an improvement over the past…however long it’s been. She surveys her surroundings, not quite yet ready to make the effort to sit up. The bed beneath her is indulgently soft for the harsh metal walls encasing it. There’s a trap door towards the center of the large room and a couch pushed against the far wall.

She blinks hard to be sure of herself, but after a moment to let her eyes adjust she’s certain that it’s Bellamy asleep on the couch. She makes her way towards him hesitantly, reaching for the quilt that’s fallen to the floor and attempting to place it back on him. His eyes open with a start, rushing to sit up. Clarke steps back quickly, palms up in surrender. “I’m sorry,” She says quickly, voice hoarse. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He shakes the sleep from his head and softens quickly. “Are you alright?” He asks.

“I think so,” She nods. “Or at least, I feel hungover as opposed to psychotic now.”

He grins wryly at her gallows humor. “That’s good,” He replies. “Your voice sounds shot, let me get you some water.” He starts to move.

“I can-“ She tries to protest but he shushes her.

“Sit down before you collapse on me again, please?” In a tone that leaves her no choice but to acquiesce, taking the opposite side of where he was just occupying

“Where are we?”

“Gabriel and Josephine’s love nest,” He says sarcastically, handing her a canteen.

“In Sanctum, then,” She affirms.

“Yes,” He says, reserving his panic. “How much do you remember?”

She stares for a long moment. “Some of it was memories, some of it was like nightmares, except I wasn’t asleep. I don’t remember leaving Bardo…or really how we got here.”

“We drove,” He tells her. “We’re about fifty miles from Gabriel’s camp. The others went back to Sanctum, you and I came here.”

“Is everyone ok?” She asks, suddenly realizing she couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen the faces of her friends.

“Everyone’s ok,” He assures her. “There was a problem in Sanctum and it’s handled. Madi is safe.”   
  
“What kind of a problem?” Clarke demands.

Bellamy pinches the bridge of his nose and abandons any hope of her resting any longer. “Shedheida killed Russell, half of Sanctum’s citizens, and almost all of Gabriel’s people in a matter of days.”

“What?” Clarke asks in disbelief. 

“I don’t know all of the details; but most of our people are spread out in the woods. Madi’s with Murphy and Emori in another of Gabriel’s spots, I promise she’s safe.”

“If they’re not behind the radiation shield they aren’t safe,” She counters him, moving off the couch and searching for her boots. 

“Running around in the dead of night in woods we still don’t know all the dangers of after nearly dying is a stupid plan even by your standards,” He says dryly. 

“My child is out there,” She snaps at him.

“Hidden in a bunker like this one. With family who have done a damn good job of protecting her while you weren’t there.” He retorts. He expects her to be angry but her face is pained. Shit. Not what he wanted to happen. 

“You were in trouble,” She says defeatedly. “I didn’t have time to think if it was the right choice, I just had to find you.” 

Bellamy exhales a long breath. Of course she wouldn’t hesitate to come looking for him on Bardo, to sacrifice herself to get all of them back home. Which made everything she’d just endured his fault. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do that,” she admonishes him. He looks at her quizzically. “Don’t decide that what they did is somehow on you.” She closes the space between them, squeezing his upper arm reassuringly. “You kept me safe. Just like always.”

He could kiss her. The thought starts as a passing moment, a reaction to her proximity and her inexplicable ability to make him feel lighter just by breathing in the same space as him; it gets laced with relief that she doesn’t blame him, that she’s survived yet another horror she should never have had to face and the passing moment becomes an immovable desire.

Bellamy’s arm is around her waist, his hand cradling her cheek. She should say something, or do something to stop him from bringing their relationship through something it can never come back from, but he looks resolved and she’s fairly certain there’s nothing she wants more in this precise millisecond of a moment than for him to finally close the distance and kiss her.

When his lips finally meet hers it feels like coming home; simultaneously the most sensational and simple thing they’ve ever done. Bellamy pulls her closer in, a need much more pure than base desire, only as reassurance that she won’t disappear.

But Clarke has never been good in the small moments, never lets herself just simply be as happy as she deserves, and she draws back far too quickly.

“I’m sorry“ he stammers out, confused. She’d been kissing him back a second ago, he was sure of it.

She looks at him stunned, weighing options in her mind, but then she can’t bring herself to meet his eye again.

“Are you sure I’m not still dreaming?” She asks him, mumbling into the floor.

He could laugh, and cry, and he’s sure he’ll do both but for now he needs her back, needs her close enough to hold on tight and never let go again. He reaches for her and she meets him halfway, folding herself between his arms like she’s always belonged there (and hasn’t she?)

He tucks his hand under her chin, forcing her gently to stop hiding sheepishly and look him in the eye. 

“I love you,” he says, never one to do much of anything halfway. 

She worries her lip, and she has her puzzle solving face on, but there’s something suspiciously close to hope in her eyes. 

It vanishes so quickly he thinks he must have made it up, and her hesitation starts to feel like a rejection. He disentangles himself from her and reaches for a bottle on a shelf that is definitely not water. She retreats back, setting herself on the end of the bed.

“That can’t happen again.” She says. 

“Already forgotten princess,” he says coldly, leaning back into the couch and taking a deep swig from the bottle.

“Bellamy-“

“Message received.” He cuts her off. “You should get some sleep.”

“Bellamy!” She scolds him. He drops her an exasperated stare. 

“I don’t need a list of reasons why,” he says dejectedly. “No is just fine.” 

“How about just one then,” she says coldly. “Echo loves you.” 

Of everything he expected her to throw back in his face, Echo hadn’t even made the list. 

“We’re not, she’s-“ Clarke eyes him dubiously. “It’s over,” he says lamely. “It’s been over for a long time. We both knew it.”

“I’ll do almost anything for you, being your rebound isn’t one of them.” Clarke says, thinking she’s effectively ended the conversation. 

He sits up at that. “That’s what you think of me?”

“What else am I supposed to think?” She asks.

“I’m sorry that I got so much of it backwards, and I hate that we wasted so much time, but God, Clarke. I didn’t kiss you because I’m lonely, I kissed you because I couldn’t wait another second to know what it would be like. What we could be like.” He’d made his way the short distance across the room as he spoke until he was standing in front her. “I love you,” he says firmly, taking her hands in his. “And I don’t know how to come back from this.”

“The same way we do everything,” she says, defenses breaking down. She pulls him down to her level and kisses him soundly, leaving no room for him to doubt her intentions. “Together.” 

For a while there’s no more words between them, only fierce kisses and gentle hands and somehow they’re on top of the bed, Bellamy braced back against the headboard, one hand wide across her waist, and Clarke’s weight is steady, legs straddled on either side of hips and the hand that isn’t holding her side is in constant motion. Trailing through her hair, caressing her cheek, lacing her fingers with his. 

She’s dreamt of this moment often, and always thought there would be hesitation, or some sort of awkwardness from such familiarity but it’s not like that at all. It’s fire and heat and heart, that Godforsaken big heart that loved everyone, that loved  _ her  _ so strongly that he could bring her back to life, could tether her to reality when everything else slipped away, and she needs to be closer to him. 

He moans in frustration when they part, but she hushes him quickly with a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I’m right here,” She says, echoing the promise he’d made her so many times in the last few days. She makes quick work of pulling her shirt over her head and the sight of her, marred with the scars of a lifelong fight in places he’s never more than dreamt of before and he remembers, of all things, when he’d asked Murphy to be a pioneer with him, scouting terrain for a new place to call home. He should have known better than to call home a place. 

He matches her pace, pulling his own shirt off quickly, making efficient work of the time they’re somewhat separated. Before he can even question how quickly she wants to move she’s unclasped her bra as well and then there isn’t room for rational thought any longer. She’s back to kissing him, sucking hard on his bottom lip. He clutches at her back, relishing the feeling of her soft skin beneath his calloused hands. She needs air, eventually, but takes her due with compromise, stealing a hand from her back and threading into back with her own, holding his arm high above his head as she lays kisses from his cheek, to his chest, nuzzling lower to grab at the closure of his pants. 

His free hand steals her roaming one, peppering kisses from her wrist to the base of her throat, trailing lower until he captures her breast between his lips and draws a moan from her. She’s too lost in the distraction to be upset that he’d slowed their pace, his name tumbling from her mouth as he found the hypersensitive nerves that occupied her ribs.

Bellamy would gladly worship her until the dawn, but Clarke grows impatient with his attention. She wants them together. She makes a play for his waistband again and he draws back to cradle her face. 

“Are you sure?” He asks. 

“I love you too you know,” she replies, kissing him again because, well, she can. 

“Not the question I asked,” He says cheekily. “But good to know.” 

“I want this Bellamy,” She says, all hints of teasing gone from her tone. “I want  _ you _ .” She turns her face when she lies against him, embarrassed. “Pretty sure I always have.” 

“You have me,” He says simply, kissing the crown of her head. “Always.” For a split-second his sincerity overwhelms her, but then his hand drops beneath her waistband and emotion melts with need as she grinds against his hand like she’d never have the chance again. 

He finally bends to her will, dragging her pants down low. He makes hasty work of removing his own while she disentangles her legs, every second spent separated an eternity too long. He tries to flip them but she presses him back down to the mattress, and her hand circles around his hard length and any hope of doing anything less than exactly what Clarke Griffin asks of him is out the window. 

She guides him into her with a gasp, sets a desperate pace, one hand gripped tight in his the other splayed across his chest, the feeling of his racing heart beneath her hand a sensation she’s certain she’s already addicted to. 

The feel of her muscles around him and her body rocking hard against his is too much to process and yet not enough because he can see her bright eyes and lips parted in pleasure but he can’t kiss her and it’s been more than a minute since his mouth was last on hers and that’s a criminally long amount of time to have to wait to kiss Clarke ever again, when they’ve waited so, so long. He says her name like a prayer and she knows, how does she always know, exactly what he needs from her and bends forward, core quivering at the strain to kiss him like her life depended upon it. He thrusts up into her, brings his hand to her folds again and the shock of the sensation when he presses his thumb against her has her falling apart in seconds. He follows a breath after, body limp but he keeps her steady, guiding her to lay beside him. 

She fits in the crook of his arm like they’d been together for centuries, and on some level hadn’t they, her head resting over his heart and the irony is not lost on her how much comfort she can draw from both the soothing rhythm of his heart coming slowly down from exertion, and the big hearted warmth that is just so  _ Bellamy  _ there aren’t better words. 

*

Bellamy wakes before she does, content to trace winding paths along her spine while she sleeps, glad of her deep, even breathes. She still needed rest. He chanced a kiss to the top of her head, a gesture of gratitude to whatever God above had let him be where he was right now, with Clarke safe in his arms. Some small part of him decides they should never leave, simply stay content with the warmth of each other forever. He knows it’s only a dream, but it’s a gentle one, after so many nightmares, and he’ll indulge it a little longer. 

When she does wake, later, it isn’t with the rush of fear he’s come to expect, but the slow unfurling of sore muscles, and a soft kiss. 

“Hi,” She says shyly. 

“Hey,” He says, catching a strand of hair between his fingers. “Sleep well, princess?” 

She rolls her eyes at his gentle teasing. “Should have gotten me in bed sooner, definitely the best cure for neurological warfare I can think of.” 

“Make sure you write that down somewhere,” He chuckles. She pulls herself tight against him, savoring the proximity. And maybe just to be sure it isn’t all a dream. 

“It’s real, Clarke,” He says softly. He’ll remind her of it every day if he has to. 

She nuzzles into his neck, nodding in agreement. “We should get ready to move,” She says it out loud in an effort to convince herself. 

“There’s a few more hours till dawn,” He counters, thumb skirting down her jaw. “And I’m not sure I’m ready to let go of you yet.” Clarke bites her lip.

“What is it?” He asks.

“It’s all going to be harder now,” She says. “Doing whatever it takes to stop Shiedheda, God forbid if anyone from Bardo shows up.” 

“No,” He tells her. “It will be easier. Because this,” he emphasizes with a quick kiss. “This makes us stronger.” She says nothing, but he can tell by the look on her face she isn’t convinced. 

“I will not let anything,” He says with grave sincerity, “no grounder tyrant, or death cult, or anything else that gets thrown at us next, come between us. You always have me Clarke.” He holds her chin steady, making perfectly sure she’s looking him in the eye. “You always have me.” 

“I believe you,” She says, surprising herself at how sincerely she means it. “Whatever comes next, we face it together.” 

And for the first time of many, but certainly not the last, they seal that vow with a kiss. 


End file.
